Jaws 3-D (1983)

Oh, Dennis Quaid, why did you do this movie? I guess the even bigger question is why did they let you on the set of The Right Stuff after this steaming pile of celluloid?

Let me see if I can explain what’s happening here with a mathematic formula: J - (Spielberg + Dreyfuss + Plot) + (Gosset + Thompson) = J3, where J = numerical value for the cinematic value of the original Jaws and J3 = numerical value for someone taking a dump and using Peter Benchley’s book to wipe their ass. I am immediately suspect of any movie that stars Louis Gosset, Jr. or Lea Thompson. I include Iron Eagle in this category, and I like those 80s action movies. The only picture I can think of offhand that does not fit this paradigm is Red Dawn. (Thompson's in it and it doesn't suck.)

But this movie, this movie does suck. And how! (As Nick Caraway might say were he writing this review...actually, if he were writing this review, he'd probably be wondering what the hell was going on and where the hell he was). I'd rather take my chances with son of the son of the son of Jaws himself than sit through this movie one more time. It's that bad.

The movie's whole premise--with the Sea World-type park and a shark somehow getting there--is absolutely ridiculous. Sometimes this is forgivable, but this is not one of those time. And the shark attacking the gate? I'd rather see the scene from Deep Blue Sea than this one any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Now, I like Deep Blue Sea about as much as one can like the movie, and I know it's not great filmmaking, but Jaws 3-D makes Harlin's flick look like a Godard film.

Let's see, what else about this movie sucked? Oh, I know: apparently, one character in every Jaws movie has to hate or fear the water. I don't think it's a very effective way to build tension by this point in the franchise; when this movie was made, it'd been almost a decade since Jaws had used the character's-afraid-of-the-water-and-damn-if-there-ain't-a-shark-in-it plot/theme. Might be time to let this one go. And speaking of letting go--or not letting go in this case--I have never hoped so fervently that a female's top would not come off as I did during the beach scene with Lea Thompson. Prayers answered. Eyes not gouged out. Lea Thompson deserves to be eaten by a shark in every movie she’s ever done. That’s the truth, and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise.

There's a lot of debate as to which Jaws sequel is worse. I think this movie is inferior to Jaws: The Revenge because it had nothing in common with the two predecessors, had little in the way of plot or character development, and took place at some sort of Sea World knock-off. I hate Sea World...so smug with their jumping marine animals and their fancy wetsuits. The bastards drove Aquarena Springs right out of business. Any amusement-type park at which they filmed Piranha should always and forever be solvent, and their marine antics and splashing broke that universal tenet.

I digress, but I just can't seem to stay on task with this movie. In fact, I think I've already written much more about it than it deserves. This movie is lamer than Barbaro at the Preakness. Or that joke. Really, avoid this movie like anal rape. I hope I never see it again.